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Monday, February 22, 2010

Re-start. Re-write. (to start again. to write again.)

Here is a note I wrote on Facebook.  The comments from my friends started the itch to re-start this blog.  Encouragement is a great motivator!  Thank you, my friends, for starting me up again.

A new kind of morning
(orginially written on Wednesday, February 17, 2010 at 11:32am)

I don't write notes. I fill out stupid questionnaires to pass time. But today, I'm writing a note. I don't have much time to pass, so I'm not filling out a questionnaire. Even though I don't have a lot of time to pass, I need to make the time to write this.

I had a dream last night. I don't know what it was, really. I don't remember it. But I woke up this morning with this incredible sense of urgency.

Back up. I usually wake up with an incredible sense of panic, because (once again) I have only enough time for the quickest shower possible, coffee, work, with very little room for error (and by error I mean a red light, school bus, or someone who can't seem to comprehend the speed limit). I'm always running behind, always in the morning, so I start most all my days in a state of panic.

Today was different. I woke up, as I said, with this inexplicable urgency. But wait, what does that clock say? I blinked. I didn't believe it. It said I had ten more minutes in my day than I did yesterday. No panic? How on earth will I motivate myself without that sick feeling in my gut?

What is urgency? What does it feel like? How is it different than panic? That, I am sorry to say, I cannot tell you. Feelings are hard to describe. But it was a calm start to my Wednesday. While showering, I had several thoughts.

One: I need to talk to Pam on my way to work.

Two: What was that dream? What was it? Dark Greens and Bright Blues and this amazing color I've only seen in the Florida sunset.

Three: No Reds? No reds in my dream? That's weird.

Four: Don't forget the bag with my workout clothes in it.

Five: I love water pressure.

Six: This is weird. Not rushing through this shower feels nice.

Seven: Don't forget the bag with my workout clothes in it.

Eight: Need coffee.

Nine: Why don't I feel panicky?

Ten: I feel like today is going to be a good day.


In the end, though, it is now nearly 11:30 a.m. Still no panic. That has made me a little nervous. But, I am enjoying this day. Full of urgency and promise, I am productive in a calm way. That was described to someone not even an hour ago as a “slow start”, but I am realizing as time has gone by that it is not a slow start, but a start of the not rushed, the not insane, in short – a start that is normal. Normal for others, I guess. As I rolled into work on time (having both talked to Pam and got coffee) and felt the promise of this day, there was a feeling of calm, not worry.

Everything will get done today. Because I will continue to work. I am urgent about my work. That doesn't mean I have to be crazy and feel a knot in my gut. Maybe that's the difference.

Oh, and I remembered the bag with my workout clothes in it! :)

I like it.

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