So I recently went on a "date". Many of you who know me know that I do not use "quotes" often. (I especially hate them, except when they are there for actual "quotes" as in, something someone said. And I extra-especially hate “finger quotes”. But this post isn't about my grammar-superstar status. We'll talk about that another time.) But I use “quotes” here because, well, I'm trying to convince you that though it was technically a date, I would hope I never have a date like that again.
So, back to my evening of, um, my evening of...
I don't even know where to begin here. So I'll just make a list of key pointers, in the event that potential future daters read this and want a leg up in my book.
1. Do NOT tell me about your sword collection. It is not a good way to start off. It does not impress the ladies. It would be better to ask me to join your D&D squad or whatever D&D groups are called. At least that is fictional violence. I do not like violence. Of any kind. Even if it is hanging on the wall. Or is a collection. (It seems to me that the word collection should have been in quotes.)
Estimated time of second date: The year 2063. (I'll be 87, and probably won't remember you have them.)
2. Do NOT tell me that you believe animals were meant to be outside. We live in the city.
Oh, and don't try to explain to me about farm animals, farm dogs, and small town dogs. Don't tell me about living in that life, I'm from a town of 300 people in Nebraska. I get it. I don't need your expertise. I have my own. We live in the city. Dogs, cats, pets do NOT belong outside here. Oh, on this note, do NOT tell me that you are a cat person. Date. Over.
Estimated time till second date: The year 2064. (I'll be 88 and incapable of taking myself to the bathroom, much less a dog.)
3. Do NOT ask me if I have/want kids on the first date. And when I tell you no, I do not have them, do NOT answer “That's impressive.” Based on that statement, these are my questions for you (in no particular order):
* Is it impressive because I am know this about myself and do not care what people think about it?
* Is it impressive that I have a brain that knows how to accomplish what I want (i.e. no kids)?
* Is it impressive that I am this old and have yet to succumb to the tick of some inner-time-bomb-type noise that is in all women, except, apparently, me?
No, none of these points are impressive. They are facts. They are the way responsible women who do NOT want kids avoid such a fate.
And when I tell you I do not want them, do NOT answer “I want a lot of kids.” Estimated time till second date: The year 2065. (I'll be 89 and probably incapable of child-bearing. Therefore, no longer an issue.)
4. Do NOT be an adult and not have a driver's license. I am not a chauffeur or a soccer mom. I will not be dragging your ass around.
Estimated time till second date: The year 2066. (I'll hit the big 9-0 that year, and probably be too blind to drive. We'll hire that nice teenager down the street to drive us to the pharmacy and to various doctor appointments, and say embarrassing things to him, such as, "When I was your age, car backseats were bigger and easier to make out in!")
These are just pointers, of course. If you'll excuse me, I must go home and peacefully protest, let the inside dog out, and count my birth control as I praise Jesus for the freedom of being an independent woman in the 21st Century.