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Monday, April 12, 2010

Dating 101...or How NOT to get a second date with me

So I recently went on a "date".  Many of you who know me know that I do not use "quotes" often.  (I especially hate them, except when they are there for actual "quotes" as in, something someone said. And I extra-especially hate “finger quotes”. But this post isn't about my grammar-superstar status. We'll talk about that another time.) But I use “quotes” here because, well, I'm trying to convince you that though it was technically a date, I would hope I never have a date like that again.
So, back to my evening of, um, my evening of...
I don't even know where to begin here. So I'll just make a list of key pointers, in the event that potential future daters read this and want a leg up in my book.

1. Do NOT tell me about your sword collection. It is not a good way to start off. It does not impress the ladies. It would be better to ask me to join your D&D squad or whatever D&D groups are called. At least that is fictional violence.  I do not like violence.  Of any kind.  Even if it is hanging on the wall.  Or is a collection.  (It seems to me that the word collection should have been in quotes.)
Estimated time of second date: The year 2063.  (I'll be 87, and probably won't remember you have them.)

2. Do NOT tell me that you believe animals were meant to be outside. We live in the city.
Oh, and don't try to explain to me about farm animals, farm dogs, and small town dogs. Don't tell me about living in that life, I'm from a town of 300 people in Nebraska. I get it. I don't need your expertise. I have my own. 
We live in the city. Dogs, cats, pets do NOT belong outside here. Oh, on this note, do NOT tell me that you are a cat person. Date. Over.
Estimated time till second date: The year 2064.  (I'll be 88 and incapable of taking myself to the bathroom, much less a dog.)

3. Do NOT ask me if I have/want kids on the first date. And when I tell you no, I do not have them, do NOT answer “That's impressive.” Based on that statement, these are my questions for you (in no particular order):
* Is it impressive because I am know this about myself and do not care what people think about it?
* Is it impressive that I have a brain that knows how to accomplish what I want (i.e. no kids)?
* Is it impressive that I am this old and have yet to succumb to the tick of some inner-time-bomb-type noise that is in all women, except, apparently, me?
No, none of these points are impressive.  They are facts.  They are the way responsible women who do NOT want kids avoid such a fate. 
And when I tell you I do not want them, do NOT answer “I want a lot of kids.”  Estimated time till second date: The year 2065.  (I'll be 89 and probably incapable of child-bearing.  Therefore, no longer an issue.)

4. Do NOT be an adult and not have a driver's license. I am not a chauffeur or a soccer mom. I will not be dragging your ass around.
Estimated time till second date: The year 2066.  (I'll hit the big 9-0 that year, and probably be too blind to drive.  We'll hire that nice teenager down the street to drive us to the pharmacy and to various doctor appointments, and say embarrassing things to him, such as, "When I was your age, car backseats were bigger and easier to make out in!")

These are just pointers, of course. If you'll excuse me, I must go home and peacefully protest, let the inside dog out, and count my birth control as I praise Jesus for the freedom of being an independent woman in the 21st Century.


  1. Gotta love men! What would we do without them?

  2. I'll be damned -- I think I could make it through a date with you...assuming, of course, that you would delight in being in the company of a balding, old, married man with fading eyesight and hearing. Other than that, I can guarantee that none of those discussion points would ever cross my mind. Oh -- and I can still drive too.

    Oh yeah, I guess I would have to get permission from my wife.

  3. So, I take it that you didn't have as good a time on your date as I thought? Maybe that is why I've heard so little about the evening? Hmmmm. Your post reminds me why rushing into a relationship is often detrimental; actually get to know the individual and see if there commonality and a desire to move forward. This speaks highly of the need for a sober interaction- less chance of screwing up while unconcious...

  4. I love the hope you have given this guy! He does have a shot! I'm sure he will count the years until you turn 87. I can imagine that date right now...
    It's the year 2063. You get a call on some ultra hip phone type item. (I can't describe it because it hasn't even been invented yet!)It's some guy that you don't even remember ever going out with. You agree to meet up. (mostly because your few remaining friends keep trying to get you to play shuffle board and you hate that game!)
    He asks if you remember about his sword collection and because his life revolves around his precious swords and knives, he has brought pictures. (FYI he does play Dungeons and Dragons. He has brought you a character sheet and would like you to create your own fictional person to hang out with his "D&D squad or whatever D&D groups are called")

    He still hates all puppies and dogs. Get over it.

    He still doesn't have children. Even though he always wanted "lots." He is very sad about this fact and brings out the pictures of the swords again. He explains that he has dedicated his life to the swords. They are like his children in many ways.

    He never got his driver's license. He has a bicylce to help him get to places he needs to go.


    Now, I hope that you can live the next 53 years, knowing that this is where every step you take is going to lead you to.

  5. Sounds like you dated down. You probably or rather, I know, you would have had a better time being at home with the doggie.


  6. Thanks everyone for your feedback! My head is still a little crooked from the evening. I'm going to the chiropractor today to get this fixed. :)
    Thanks again for reading. I appreciate you all so very much!

  7. Ouch. Sucky date. Where'd you find that winner? And, for the record, I LOVE my Bugsy kitty. And you still love me...

    I'm lovin your new blog look, cudos! I want that cool "share" (quotes intended just for your viewing pleasure) button. :D

  8. Wow. I would have fled the scene within seconds!