"You're a shed!" "No, you're a shed!" "I'm telling!"

I swear.

A lot.

I have a really bad mouth. I use swear words in practically every sentence I speak. I think in swear words. I believe that I like them. I like the emphasis they bring to a statement. I like that the word itself shows my listener that I am serious. F-ing serious. I also like the many ways I can use the swear word. It can substitute for so many other words, complete phrases and even sentences. Swear words are extreme shorthand for my vocabulary.

It isn't that I don't know how to speak properly. It isn't even that I do not have a vocabulary big enough to find the word I'm trying to say. It isn't that I don't know how to audibly emphasize a word. It's just that swear words sound so much better. Bigger, better, louder...

I have always liked swearing. When I was little, my best friend and I would call each other “shed”, meaning shit-head. (Oh, how creative we were!) I would test the waters frequently around my parents, just to see what I could get away with. They said these words, too. So, why shouldn't I? Apparently, because I was too young. While my mouth was never washed out with soap, it was certainly corrected and the direct link between myself and punishment many, many times. I soon learned that away from my parents was the best place to use my language. As often as I could, I spoke the big-shot-ese, struttin' around thinking how cool I was.

But then, it wasn't because I was cool. Somehow, at some point, swearing just became part of my lingo. It isn't even swearing anymore. It is just speaking. There isn't much emphasis difference between F-U-C-K and F-O-O-D (my two favorite four-letter words, by the way!) anymore.

Why now? Why must I bring this up now?

Well, since I am writing again (HALLELUIAH!), I am noticing that, as always, I write exactly as I speak, and I speak exactly as I think. So, yes there has been some severe editing involved in prior posts (and a few in this one). I am not interested in my potty-mouth being out there for the masses. I want to write like a real writer, like someone who has actually taken classes in this, like I have. And yes, I want you to have a good opinion of me. Oh, and I do not want to have to put a parental advisory on my blog.

So, I have started small. In text messages, I have started writing “What the crap!” or “What the F!”. When commenting on my friends' facebook posts and in emails, I put the letter F instead of the full four-letter word, and no, I'm not talking about F-O-O-D this time. “Crap” has even made its way out of my mouth a few times.

Sometimes slowly. I will regard all these things as progress. Maybe one day F will not be my favorite letter, and it will only be the first letter in ONE of my favorite words. Until then, if I happen to write that I think someone is a SHED, you now know the secret language.

Oh, and if I do swear in here, it's because I want to.